secret smiles

It is seven o'clock in the morning on a Sunday. She is sitting at her desk drawing in her sketchbook while he sleeps quietly in her bed. She is avoiding sleep, because she is avoiding the nightmares. It is raining hard outside and the light is grey and washed out and she is smiling. Her smiles are secrets, and she has never let him see. He is always smiling, and this worries her when she is thinking of him, but for now she is thinking of the shapes on the paper, the lines and curves that he will never see.

Last night he said that he wanted this to last forever, and he smiled like he was really, truly happy. She sang that happiness is a warm gun, and he laughed, as he always did when he thought she was joking. He never understood her, the way her mind worked. She showed him some of her drawings once and he didn't understand. He couldn't see what she saw. In his mind everything really is perfect, and she is sleeping peacefully next to him, without any nightmares. In his mind she is happy just to be there, and when she clings to him it has nothing to do with the darkness, and something to do with him.

She finishes her drawing and closes the sketchbook, opening a desk drawer and slipping it inside. He stirs at the noise and says her name. "Hi," she says, and covers her smile.

"What are you doing awake?"

"Nothing," she says. "I'm just going out, is all." She is putting on a shirt. It is green and rumpled from sitting in a pile on the floor.

He looks at the window and frowns. "It's raining. What are you doing outside?" He is not awake yet and is still confused that she is not still in bed.

"It's raining," she says. "There are puddles." She is fastening her jeans. They are faded and torn in a few places.

"What time is it?"

"It's seven," she says. "Go back to sleep." She is putting on her shoes. They are blue and beat up from years of wear.

He closes his eyes, not sure what to say, and tries to return to sleep. She shuts the door behind her as she heads outside and smiles, honestly and secretly, before the city starts waking up.