is that me?

I go back sometimes and read things I've written. Old essays from high school, emails, rambling blog posts. Even just casual one-liners, things I wouldn't give a second thought to. Usually I remember writing them, but it's through a haze. I don't think like this anymore. I don't talk like this. I don't believe this. I remember holding these beliefs.

I often say things like "I am not what I was" and then I start to wonder, who was I back then? Is that part of the story not real anymore? How much of me, the core of who I was, is still there? It's entirely foreign to me, but has anyone else even noticed the difference? How much of that influences today?

I've been feeling increasingly fragmented lately. Like there are several aspects to me and they don't mesh, they don't fit. I have more self-awareness than some people and the cost of that is being self-aware. All of these glaring inconsistencies in my character--I want to go vigorously assert that I am myself but I'm not even sure how. And even if I could I'm not convinced it would be sincere.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're writing about my life again. :P

--Anniversary Toast!
(around this time last year we were sitting at sureshot!)