letters to myself

I never got around to watching the movie about a letter a girl wrote to older self, as much as I was in love with the sentiment. And the Radiohead song, "A Reminder," about not getting old, and remembering "the night where we kissed and I really meant it," while it brings a tear to my eye, didn't motivate me when my ex-girlfriend played it for me and told me how much I'd changed. I had changed, and I was glad of it. I love the sentiment, the "now is the best time of our lives" feeling. But I can't get behind it. I'm not afraid of the future, I'm excited. I am afraid of my past.

Tonight I almost wrote a letter to my past self, warning me to avoid all of those pitfalls--the lost love, the ruined plans. I want to tell myself to be more adventurous, more confident, more determined. I want to give myself a cheat sheet for life.

I sat down to start writing and thought about all of the mistakes. The stupid way I handled my relationships, how certain I was that my plans were my future. All the lost sleep, the arguments, the fear, the depression, how all of that culminated in my impulsive decision to go the opposite way I'd planned, and how from there everything looked so much brighter and clearer. "Mistakes," a writer once penned, "aren't always regrets." I could tell my past self that I shouldn't be afraid of mistakes, because it always ends up okay, but I've learned that now. I'm okay.

Perhaps I'll still write a letter to my future self. Maybe I'll even remember it.

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