20090103

two letters to two people

To A____, who is far kinder than I deserve.

Your smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I usually reserve such judgments for fear of changing my mind later. I hope you know I am terrified of disappointing you or displeasing you despite knowing--knowing, with a certainty that so few ever have access to--that you will forgive me anything I will ever do to you. It is perhaps my fear of never seeing your smile again that makes me so certain I do not need to fear. I have certainly not missed the paradox, but it is your paradoxes and ironies that I love. So near, yet so far. You are perfect and immutable even as you change day by day, so I will remain

Immutably yours,
R____ M____



To S_____, who is certain.

I'm not sure if there are words left. You have robbed them all of their meaning. Every single word there is, you have destroyed. If I apologize I am a liar; if I do not I am unfeeling; if I ask you to stay I am controlling; if I send you away I am a monster. I do not know what the future holds, but I know it does not hold more words from me to you. There are no words: I cannot speak nor write them. I cannot even silently mouth them, or type them only to delete them, write them only to cross them out, or shape them with a pen whose ink is long dry. This is the last time I will be

Sincerely yours,
R____ M____