hazy recollection

I'm not sure where the past few days have gone, but it's been going by fast and not really in the good way. It seems like everything is falling apart around me and all I can do is sleep, but I can't even do that--wake up early with a headache and a wish that it were several hours later, that I'd gotten more rest, that I wouldn't regret it later--so it's just passing time, letting my mind wander. I dream about all the things I've been doing wrong, all the things I wish had gone better. In my dreams I get mocked for it. Sometimes it's more violent, more hateful--I have a hard time talking about it.

I've been trying to find meaning for it, but to no avail. It doesn't coincide with any timing, as much as I'd love to find a narrative. It's just happening. My girlfriend's noticed I'm going through more cigarettes lately. I told her it's just to kill time before I can go back to sleep, and we both laughed the sort of laugh you can only do when you're not joking.

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