the great communicator

I have lost all control over my words. It started at the party last night, and then I figured maybe it was just the alcohol and the lack of sleep, but I woke up this morning and I still couldn't choose what I was saying. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it just came out gibberish. Instead I'll open my mouth to say one thing and it comes out something entirely different.

The worst part is this new me, the voice I can't control, is so much more brilliant and clever than I am. The real me worries about using the best words and stumbles over them sometimes. It's not that I'm not clever, it's just that somehow my new voice has made it effortless. It's like a character in a movie or something.

It's always perfectly appropriate and dashingly charming and everyone seems utterly taken by it. It's done nothing but good things for me. Things I always wanted are happening to me--except it's not really me. I'm just behind the eyes of someone else now. Right? I can still write what I want to. I found that out earlier today. But as I was writing a letter to my girlfriend, trying to explain that my voice isn't my own anymore, I stopped myself.

Maybe this won't last forever. Maybe this will be good for me. Maybe I should just go along with it. Who am I, anyway, besides the things that happen to me? And they're still happening to me, aren't they?

Aren't they?

I hit the delete button. I tried to say "you win," but even that didn't come out the way I'd hoped it would.

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