when optimism fails

I've been going to these rallies lately--not political rallies or anything like that. The people there are all dreamers, and they talk about how to make the world a more beautiful place. All their ideas are wonderful, and their projects really clean things up where they are. And it's not political. They had to convince me of that before I'd start coming. Sometimes people really do just want to make the world better, and sometimes all it takes is a smile.

I contributed a lot more when I first started going. Now I sit there quietly and cheer and applaud at the appropriate moments, and when asked how I'm doing I smile and say I'm doing all right, and sometimes it's not a lie.

It's not that I don't believe in what we're doing here. This is not the best possible world and there's no reason we shouldn't be trying to make it better. But rallies end and everyone here is so perfect--and even if they're not they're better at pretending than me. So much of the things we're fighting to fix are the sorts of things that I've done, things I've caused in the first place.

And no amount of making things right can make it okay.

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