I wish I could say it was startling to learn that the idea of object permanence was entirely false, but it really wasn't. The world beyond what I can immediately perceive simply doesn't exist in any real and proper sense--and it hasn't for a while.

It's hard to unsee a world that makes sense. I still see things and think that must have been there before, that's always been the same way, that, in some way, the room that I slept in last night is the same room I've always slept in--that it will be there when I go there tonight, or that it even exists right now. Or that I've ever slept in a room at all--these memories may as well create themselves. They certainly don't correspond to anything resembling an objective reality.

I can't even say things make more sense this way, but it seems my mind is only desperately scrabbling to find some pattern or sense to things. Instead of letting life happen it's trying to find something to hold on to, try as I might to let go.


Anonymous said...

Hello. I found your blog while Googling the term "dreamers often lie". I like what I see on this blog so far. And the little I've seen on one of your other blogs, Kittens Often Lie, I think that is.

Funnily enough (in a not so funny way) I'm also questioning reality right now too. Though maybe you shouldn't take me seriously because I suspect I have borderline personality disorder. But the way you write and think makes me think that maybe you have a disorder too. Or maybe, to turn it around, we are only two of the few people in this world who are actually, truly sane, or as close to it as we can without us wanting to destroy ourselves, and see everything around us for the insanity that it is.

Anyway I don't know if you'll like this thing I happen to be reading at the moment which makes me think along these lines, of reality and sanity and everything making "sense", which might be helpful to you but might not, it's worth a try... http://ccbs.ntu.edu.tw/FULLTEXT/JR-ENG/loy12.htm

Its title is Buddhism and Money: The Repression of Emptiness Today. I kinda lean on Buddhism, was looking for stuff about money, and didn't really expect such a long explanation of why people make such a big deal about "normality" and why schizophrenics might actually be seeing the real deal. Anyway, it would be cool if we could talk online sometime, and hope I didn't creep you out too much. I wish you well. Keep writing.

Rob said...

glad you're enjoying! I like to think of the blog as being about apocalypses, coffee, cigarettes, and times the world doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

I will have to check out that link! it sounds quite interesting.

there should be contact information in my profile if you want to chat. I am usually around, except when I'm not, so just poke me until I respond.

Zack S said...

Hey man, I wrote "Kittens Often Lie". You're a jerkface Rob.