20110908

insensate

At some point after my accident (don't say accident; that implies no one's at fault) I realized that I don't feel pain the way I'm meant to. By all rights, the doctors told me, the pain should have been excruciating. I felt it, of course, but not enough--I kept going. And it all came back to me, a whole life never understanding how people needed painkillers.

Now all I can notice is how muted, how dull, my reactions are, emotionally, physically (you've always been strong). I remember vividly every time in my life that I've really, truly felt something, but they're brief flashes--a few seconds of anguish, if that, and then it's back to something I can just tune out. And it's always been like this.

I often wonder if I feel or if I merely know what I'm supposed to feel--how much of me is just learned behavior and practiced patterns? Which is to say, if I'm not real (I can't stand fake people) what am I? What's the point of me? And maybe more importantly, is anyone actually a real person or is everyone like me, trudging along trying to figure out what a person is supposed to be like?

3 comments:

Endo said...

Maybe a good study of the brain and it's functions will help you out a bit.

Yuu

OR maybe looking on the bright side and smiling a bit will help :)

Angela

Endo said...

Maybe a good study of the brain and it's functions will help you out a bit.

Yuu

OR maybe looking on the bright side and smiling a bit will help :)

Angela

somewhat-else said...

Coming from a more Buddhist belief, it's the latter. It's so scary, coming to the realization that there isn't some indivisible Self inside us. But there it is. Nothing here is "real" in that sense.

And you seem pretty disconnected from your body. Which is still bad. That's not quite the right way to get out of here, from the rest of the stuff I've learned.