hope, pt. 4

I've never been easy to get along with, and I've never been good at actually dealing with the problems that causes. That's life, I guess. I always believed that it would all work out somehow, which maybe is why I never got good at dealing with it. It always worked out without my help, so why bother, right?

So that's why I disappeared without telling anyone. I was angry and confused and afraid, and I made some mistakes. We both made mistakes, I think. For a few months I didn't have to worry about that. I could focus on enjoying myself, seeing the sights--I never told you about that trip, did I? I brought back all these stories and I never got to share them.

Finally I bought a return ticket, and the first thing I did is I called you and I asked if you could pick me up at the airport. I was elated that you said yes. We hadn't left on good terms, and you probably had every right to be angry at me for disappearing. And you didn't ask where I'd been or why I'd left without saying goodbye or anything. You just asked when and where.

I also never got to thank you for that. For the last week of my vacation I felt utterly serene, convinced that I had changed, that the world had changed, all of it for the better. There was nothing at all to fear about anything. I loved you for that.

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