tricks of memory

I've been noticing scars in places I know I haven't been injured lately. Or rather, places I don't remember injuries happening. I don't drink or smoke or do any sort of mind-altering drugs, but I have been under a lot of stress lately. Perhaps I've been blacking out, but that doesn't explain the scars. I'm don't do anything dangerous. I don't even use my kitchen knives more than once or twice a month. I'm utterly boring.

I trace my fingers along the scars and little scenes flash through my mind: me with a razor blade, carefully cutting myself against a colorless backdrop. The only color is the brilliant red of my blood. Could I be forgetting that? In the images I'm--if not happy, more alive than I am in what I've come to think of as my conscious moments. There isn't much color there, either.

I read that the mind remembers things best when it's in the same state as when the event happened. So if you're drunk when you learn something, you'll remember it better when you're drunk. The same goes for sitting at certain desks, being in certain rooms. I worry that I can't remember these moments because I'm not alive like I am then. The mindset is so utterly foreign to me there's just no way my mind can even begin to recollect.

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