rewind

Since my suicide, I've had a lot of time to review the video archives that represent my life. There isn't really much else to do here in the afterlife. Just watch your life. I think it's meant to be a form of judgment, and you have to watch it all. Maybe it's special for suicides. "This is what you gave up," they're trying to tell me. "Look at how happy you were."

That's the part that surprised me. I always thought it would be all the terrible things, all the shit that made me want to off myself, or that just made me feel like a terrible person in general. I haven't seen any of that--and believe me, I've been looking. No, it's all the happy moments. And some of it does make me kind of nostalgic. If they're trying to make me regret my decision, though, it's not working. All that's gone now. If I could go back it would be to more of the stuff they're not showing.

I finally got sick of it and destroyed the little TV they have for watching all these life events last night. I figured they'd fix it or replace it or send me to hell or whatever, but they haven't. It's gone now. My room's just a comfortable couch and some blankets, and a notepad to write on. I'm not sure what comes next.