There's a corner of my bedroom I don't really use. There's a small collection of junk there which overshadows a little folded up piece of paper in the corner. On that piece of paper are written the most venomous words I have ever penned--a letter that I never sent. I wrote it in pen on a page of a notepad I had acquired. It filled the margins--I explained, in the letter, that I would rather not waste paper on the recipient.
I don't know why I still have it. I don't really know why I never sent it. It's been in the corner for a long time, and I don't know why it's there--I didn't even write it at this house.
I forget about it for months at a time, then I go into that corner to use the outlet, or to grab something, and there it is. For half a second I wonder what it is, then I recognize my handwriting, the folding, the shape of the letter--I would recognize that letter anywhere. It's always there to remind me of everything I did wrong, everything that went wrong. And I never sent it--I told myself it was so I wouldn't have to waste postage, but that wasn't it. I just don't know what it was.
All I know is I have this reminder sitting in the corner of my room. Not hidden, but out of the way. Just paper and ink.
20080409
insufficient postage
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4 comments:
I still hate you, you know that. Everything else that happened. All that we did. I can't stand it now.
Send you letter or don't. It wont make any difference.
reminders of previous mistakes
wear us down in the here and now
think about burning that letter and learn to forgive yourself
forgiveness is our only salvation
Maybe that was it. Still it. The fear it wouldn't make a difference--or maybe the knowledge. I had tried desperate, pleading words. Nothing changed anything, unless it was to deepen that rift.
You know, they told me words could move mountains. They say a careful stroke of the pen can affect more than anything, and I've defined myself by my words, and nothing happened and nothing would happen. I was angry my words couldn't reach you and I tried the one thing I had left and then I was afraid.
i have a letter like that, too.
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