you look so happy

I always told her the only thing I wanted in life was to make her happy, and I meant it every time. Since we first started dating, it was the only thing I wanted. I gave up so much for her. I gave up a career, even moved across the country, ended up in a city where I didn't know anyone. I did what I could, found work, tried to help.

She dumped me anyway, found someone she liked better, and after too many painful confrontations and hateful words on my part, I left town, and moved down to Portland. I figured it was easiest.

From Portland I went to New York, and then west to Chicago, where I ran into her at a diner. She was at the counter and I sat down next to her, not knowing who it was. I'd stopped looking around much anymore, but she ordered just after I sat down, and I'd know her voice anywhere. I said her name, and she looked at me and smiled.

We talked for hours, through several cups of coffee, and later in the evening, through several beers. We mostly talked about where we'd been. No, she wasn't seeing anyone right now. She was going to grad school now. She seemed happier than I thought was possible. Her smile seemed so real and uninhibited. She wasn't just content, or resigned, but really happy.

After we parted ways and went home with a hug that was still awkward despite several drinks between us, I spent the evening trying to figure out how I felt about this. At first I wasn't convinced. Then the thought came unbidden: maybe I just didn't want to believe she could be happy without me?