awakening, pt. i

The secret is I should have died. I don't remember what happened, only waking up in the dormitories with the sensation of pain, more intense than any I'd yet experienced. And when I opened my eyes she was standing there, silhouetted by the moonlight and yet glowing with her own radiance, her back to me and her arms raised in . . . supplication? But then she turned back to me and I could feel that cool radiance, lessening the pain, making me feel calmer, more at ease. I tried to shape words but the pain spiked and I could only just manage a strangled "What--" before biting back a scream. Somewhere in the darkness I think she smiled sadly. "Rest now. We can talk in the morning."

That night I dreamt I was chasing the moon, but no matter how I tried she always stayed out of reach--it felt like I was close, but how can I compete with the moon? How can anyone?

I was disoriented and confused in the morning and it took a moment to realize the pain had subsided--it was still there, and moving still hurt, but I could move, and even speak. And as I shuffled my way into the corridors, I noticed people whispering about me. I still didn't even know what had happened, until I found her again.

That makes it sound like I found her on accident, but no. What I'd tell myself at the time is that I had fallen in love with her, but really I'd become obsessed with her. When I awoke that night to find her standing watch over me, channeling her light into me, I knew then that I must have narrowly escaped death, and only thanks to her help. That was real magic, something beyond the tricks and trinkets of the court mystics.

I cornered her in an empty corridor and demanded to know what happened. Someone, she said, had infiltrated the academy with the express purpose of ending my life--and when I collapsed on the way to the infirmary, she found me, and healed me. There was no one else there. It was my own stubborn pride that almost killed me--I insisted on walking off under my own power, refused to show any weakness in front of my classmates at the academy. I delayed going to the infirmary until no one would see me, and I nearly died for it. Once she'd finished explaining, she smiled at me--a strange smile, one I have never in the years since then been able to parse--and left.

After that, the entire academy thought I was a legend--survive an assassin's blade and walk around the next day without so much as looking a bit peaky. And all of it could have come crashing down at any time if she decided to reveal my secret. And so the obsession grew, and I dedicated myself to endearing myself to her, to keeping her close and safe so I would never need to worry that one day she might whisper my secret to the wrong ear and destroy the unearned legend I had built myself.