constellation

 There was a constellation that always used to be our favorite, back in the capital: it was, according to the stories, a legendary hero, the first dragonslayer--but the fun of it was less in the stories, though we liked those as well, as it was simply that picking out the pattern was satisfying. A simple pattern that lets you see a grander whole. Every time we'd go stargazing, which was often at first and then dwindled as time wore on, we'd point it out, and admire the shape in the stars, and sometimes one of us would tell the story again.

When I fled, I vowed I'd put that constellation behind me.

It was a slow escape, as I took it one leg at a time--at first I worried that I'd be followed, but then I liked this new ritual of sailing north until we made port, finding a room at the inn, and watching the stars, watching that constellation, so beloved and so hated, slowly sink below the horizon. It would take me a few days to find another suitable ship that was headed north, and then another few days for them to make port, and--well, you get the idea. It was a nice ritual.

It wasn't until we left the continent behind altogether that I was finally able to look up at the sky and the dragonslayer was nowhere to be seen. I was finally alone under a strange sky, where I knew none of the shapes and heroes that filled the skies. The nights were always warm and everyone was so friendly and so welcoming. When they learned how much I liked stargazing they even taught me the names of the stars here--so many different names and stories.

Sometimes I still find myself looking for that old familiar pattern, but it's only recently that I've stopped feeling awful every time I catch myself doing so. On some level, now that there's no possible way to go back, I really do miss those days. They were dreadful in so many ways, but despite all that, there were little quiet moments that will always stick with me. I even made up a constellation for her. A little pattern of stars that sort of reminds me of the one we'd look for, a few others--she would smile at that, I think.