hot water

She washes her hands in scalding water sometimes, and sometimes she doesn't really know why. Usually it's for stress, but sometimes, when she's washing her hand and the water gets hot, she'll just stare at her hands and leave them under the water until she can't bear it anymore. Sometimes she massages her hands; sometimes it's just enough to leave them still.

There is something intensely focusing about the process, something that makes the simple ritual of hand-washing into a calming and pleasurable experience--and she has never told anyone about it, though she has put it into writing once or twice. Like so many secrets, it is not that she is afraid someone will find out, but that she thinks no one would care, and it has never really come up in conversation. Over time she has decded that she should keep it secret inentionally, if for no other reason than sometimes, it's important to be able to say to someone, "I have never told anyone this before," and mean it.