blackouts

They said it was just stress, but I don't think so.

I've started blacking out more lately. It used to be something that happened only occasionally--I'd forget a few minutes, and of course I'd just put it down to not getting enough sleep or something like that. But now it seems like I can't go a day without losing at least an hour or two over the course of the day. I've talked to doctors about it, and they tell me not to worry about it--that worrying is probably what's causing it in the first place.

It's not just a matter of patchy memory. I've gone from sitting alone at home and reading to standing at the door of the place I shared with a former lover, presumably waiting for an answer that never came. Or perhaps I was about to leave, and she'd already closed the door? I couldn't say.

Usually it's far more mundane than that. I'll have bought groceries I don't remember. Pages of writing will appear in my notebooks that I'm only sure I wrote because of the cramping in my hands. As more people learn about my problems, more remedies pile up on my counter. Some herbal remedies, some pills. I haven't touched any of them, because I'm certain they won't help. There's something else going on entirely.

But what is it? Does something want to get my attention, or is it trying to keep me from remembering something important? Should I cling to my memories and fight it, or let the world slip away from me and take it as it happens?