web

Tonight I dreamt I was caught in a web. I've had a fear of being restrained my whole life--one of my most prominent childhood memories is of being terrified, after crawling into a sleeping bag upside down, that I would never be able to escape. I'm more rational now, but I'm nothing without the ability to escape. Even a stuck door makes my heart race.

So by rights this should have been a nightmare. Except I wasn't afraid. I made no struggle once it was clear I was caught, and just lay back to accept my fate. I wasn't sure what that fate was--there were no monsters in the dream, implied or otherwise. But I knew I was powerless to prevent it, powerless to control anything that happened to me ever again. And I should have been terrified. Is there anything worse than not having control? But there I was, unconcerned and unafraid.

I don't know what woke me. I was tangled in my blankets and uncomfortably hot, and soon the panic crept over me again as I thrashed my way free, awake and myself again. I tried to recapture the calm of my dream, but it fled into a hundred darkened images as I finally drifted off again.