trust, pt. 3

Eris.

I always knew I was probably too unstable to be trustworthy--sometimes it was a dim thought somewhere in the back of my mind, but it was there. There was nothing more terrifying than the idea of someone I cared about deciding that they should trust me. It would be nothing more than a string of betrayals, and as soon as I detected a closeness to my relationships I'd point that out.

It didn't work. Not with Alex, not with anyone. I remember how she took it as some sort of confession, told me she was sure I'd never do anything to hurt her, acted like I wanted sympathy when I said this, when all I wanted was a little distance. And I sighed and let it happen, because what else could I do? The irony, of course, is that if I were actually trustworthy I probably would have found the strength to say something. Instead I decided, well, I'd done my best, right?

I used to say I didn't realize how much power being trusted gave me, but I think I did, at least on some level. It's just that until the very end, I was never willing to actually use that power. I knew that I was unworthy of trust, but I also knew that it was sacred, so I handled it with the reverence it deserved.