the intersection of dreams and reality

It wasn't official or anything but I ran into a couple of people from my old high school recently, and we had something like a reunion. It's the sort of thing I hope to avoid in the future. It's not so much that I feel older--I've known that for a while now. But everyone I knew in high school, I knew as a dream.

The girl I dated for most of high school used to be filled with this boundless enthusiasm, not sure what she wanted to do, but everyone just knew she was the kind of person who would go places. When I ran into her she seemed subdued, tired, and still not sure where she really wanted to go. Late at night, when the others had gone home, she confided that she still felt like she only made choices because she was never given the option not to.

One of my best friends was always laughing, but he also always had that calm that only comes with self-awareness. He knew who he was and where he was going--and, to his credit, never once faltered from his goal. Now he's there. He has other goals, more projects. He's moved on, and it became readily apparent his bright future didn't include his past.

Melissa worked hard and played hard. She was always a little guarded, not willing to let anyone in, and always seemed like she was trying to prove something. She was well on her way to a brilliant career now, and by rights she should have been happy with that. But if she's trying to prove something, she doesn't quite seem convinced herself.

I don't quite know what I expected. I knew they'd change. I didn't know what the future looked like, though--it was some unattainable ideal back then, a time when we would be happy, successful, and all the questions were answered. And then, somehow, we got there. It wasn't a beautiful ideal. It wasn't wonderful. We got there and it was just as confusing and bleak--older now, more experienced, but we aren't any happier or better off for it, just bereft of our optimism and idealism.