paralysis

I spent today hiding inside, afraid to face the world after this weekend.

Friday night was spent at a party, where I got just drunk enough to spend much of the end of the evening telling all my darkest secrets to a girl who, I've no doubt, awoke on Saturday with dim memories of a boy who had more problems than she was willing to deal with right now, even if he seemed very nice at the time.

I spent Saturday finishing up some of the research I had left from the week, in the company of a few of my colleagues, when I simply froze.

It was one of those moments where I was restless and frustrated and couldn't really do anything to vent, so I just sat there, completely unable to focus, and disengaged entirely. I was able to function more after going out to get some food, but I still felt very much like I'd disengaged, and was primarily just running in a very reactive way. Most of what happened after that, I only recall very dimly--perhaps someone knew something was wrong, but I was still functioning, even if on an instinctive level.

Sunday I was tense and withdrawn, avoiding social contact, but unable to entirely withdraw, so I lurked at the edge of conversations, snapping at those who tried to draw me in. I don't even entirely regret it, but it took a lot out of me. If I didn't think I was free to leave at any time it could have been so much worse--it's amazing the lies we tell ourselves.